Defying Gravity

When I was a kid, I always thought my grown-up life would be simple. I would tool around town in my corvette with my handsome husband, and we would live in a fabulous house. Our children would be well-behaved and clean at all times, and I would have an exciting career as a fashion designer (who happened to model, sing and act) in my spare time.

Eeek. I wanted to grow up to be Barbie.

The reality of it all is, of course, so much different. No one told me how hard it would be to balance work and children, and that if you're going to be amazing in one area, the other one would invariably have to suffer. The sad reality of working motherhood is that I'm often left feeling as though I'm not doing either of them terribly well. I've left important meetings on more than one occasion because a school play beckoned. And I've missed my fair share of field trips and classroom parties because I just couldn't get away. No matter which way those situations end up working out, part of me always feels like my decision should have gone the other way.

In any event, I keep plugging along, doing the best I can, reminding myself that perfection is an unattainable goal. And that even if I was June Cleaver, my kids would find something to blame me for on their future therapists couches. I know this, and yet I still struggle with it.

This past weekend I have found myself at a crossroads, uncertain of which path to take. My life could take a very different turn, all depending on whether or not I choose to take the leap. As I wrestle with my decision, lyrics from Defying Gravity keep running through my head:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

and also:

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!

The worst part of being a grown-up is having to make decisions. No matter how old I get, I wish I could just have my mommy tell me what I have to do. Abdicate all responsibility and just be forced to make it work.

The best part of being a grown-up? Getting to eat ice cream for dinner if I want. Hey, I don't deny that responsibility has its perks.

But I still wouldn't mind that Corvette.